Infirmary Rules
by DarkToLight
Summary: Rule 1: Don't cross the doctor. -RetsuxUkitake- -pre-Bleach storyline-


**Back writin'** in the realm of BLEACH. If anyone is waiting on Symphony, I've already sent it to my Beta ^^

I love this pairing. I dunno if it's crack or what, but I could totally see it happening. My friend challenged me to write about Ukitake with a fear of needles... So I did.

RETSUxUKITAKE.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own, make no profit from this. Wish that I _did_ own Ukitake, though... *dreamy sigh*

*Ahem* For once, no Gin. Enjoy.

Set several decades ago, Kaien is still Uki's Lieutenant.

* * *

_[Never trust a Doctor. Even if they're one of your oldest friends]_

Ukitake had been feeling better lately. This was a nice development, especially for him, since his misery had started the day he was born. That was a typical example of his luck, actually: born with a lung disease. Yaaay.

"Hey, Joushirou," Kyoraku greeted with an enthusiastic wave, and he waved back as Kyoraku approached and sat by him, his (very manly) pink flowery cloak spreading out behind him. A few cherry blossoms drifted idly on the breeze, making Ukitake look around for Nanao. He didn't want a basket of flowers dumped on his head by accident again.

"Paperwork building up again?" He asked with a slight smile. Kyoraku shrugged.

"Old man Yama mentioned something about not being able to get into my office, yeah," he replied. "But that's not why I'm here. Sake?"

"You know I don't drink," Ukitake reminded him sternly, and Kyoraku smirked and took a swig from the bottle.

"One day I'll get you to have some," he vowed. "Then we can have drinking parties together. Ooh, we could invite that busty girl from tenth, Rangiku is it? And that kid Shuuhei-"

"_No_," Ukitake repeated more firmly, the thought of Kyoraku, Rangiku and sake in the same room making him feel slightly ill. "Nanao would kill you," he added, hoping it was some sort of incentive, but it only made Kyoraku's grin wider. He sometimes wondered how he managed to avoid having a permanent hand-shaped mark from Nanao. The woman was lethal.

"Ah, yeah, I almost forgot!" Kyoraku exclaimed, sitting upright. "Retsu said she wanted to see you."

"She did?" Ukitake replied dubiously. He was starting to suspect she was dosing his food. The rice pudding he'd had last night had had a distinctly medicinal taste.

"Yep," Kyoraku replied with a nod. "Said something about a mistaken delivery of a box of sweets…?" Ukitake's interest was suitably piqued. "Yeah, they didn't leave any indication of who it was for. I think she threatened to give them to the pipsqueak in tenth…"

"The ^Captain^ of tenth is called Toshirou- uh, Hitsugaya," Ukitake told him sternly, already getting up. Kyoraku waved at him absently as he left. That had been surprisingly easy… Two bottles of sake for him, and improved health for his friend. Retsu cut the kindest deals…

* * *

"Retsu?" Ukitake called, sticking his head around the door of Fourth's main office. "Captain Unohana? Are you there?" He accosted the closest squad member, a small, black haired, harried-looking boy. "Have you seen your captain?" He asked, and the boy pointed to the infirmary section. "Thank you," he replied. "Off you go." The boy disappeared like something had bit him, making Ukitake raise an eyebrow, but he set off on his Sweet Search™ once more, deciding that some things were just more important than wondering about Squad Four and its many mysteries.

"Reeetsuuuu," he called, looking into the infirmary. It was empty, which was unusual, considering that she had work to do…

"Ah, Joushirou!" Retsu exclaimed, appearing. "This is a nice surprise." Ukitake nodded slightly.

"Yes, I was talking to Shunsui and he said-" he started, beginning to get suspicious as Retsu pulled him into the empty room. Who would keep a box of sweets in the infirmary…? He swallowed slightly as Retsu sent a kidou at the door which locked it. "…Shunsui said something you told him to say… Right?" He realised belatedly. That _did_ it. He was going to be depriving that traitor of sake for a month, even if he had to take up drinking to do it! The thought of Rangiku and Shunsui with sake instantly made him change his mind and decided that he wouldn't go _quite _that far.

"What did he tell you?" Retsu asked, intrigued. "I left the details up to him." She produced a needle from within her robes, and Ukitake paled.

"Evil!" He declared. Retsu frowned slightly.

"My infirmary, my rules," she reminded him, watching his skin turn the same colour as his hair in fear. It was an amusing effect to watch. She took a step towards him, and, rather than draw his sword and try to fight her, he turned tail and tried to jump out of the window. Retsu shook her head sadly as Ukitake rebounded off the magically-reinforced not-quite-glass which she had bullied Yamamoto into installing just for that purpose, and walked over to him and grabbed him by the ear. "No escaping the infirmary," she chastised. "That's rule 2." Ukitake winced.

"…Remind me of rule 1 again?" He asked quietly. He had been certain that those windows had been normal glass last time he'd jumped out of them…

"Don't cross the doctor," Retsu replied ominously, dragging him over to the bed.

"Ow! Retsu! I- ow! I'm feeling much- ow! Better these days- ow!" He protested as Retsu forced him down on to the bed.

"That's because I've been putting the medicine you refused to take in your food," she replied, producing a rope.

"I knew it… Hey, you planned for this!" Ukitake exclaimed suddenly. Retsu sighed.

"You always break at least five of the Unbreakable Rules when I get you in here," she explained. "And I didn't want to have to replace any more windows. Plus broken glass is so hard to pick out of your skin when you're squirming around and calling me a witch."

"You _are_ a witch," Ukitake accused sulkily as she tied him skilfully to the bed… Worryingly skilfully… Who had she been practicing on?!

"Now, this won't hurt a bit," Retsu promised, easily pulling up his baggy sleeve. Ukitake made a mental note to get Soul Reaper robes adjusted so a tight-fitting option was available.

"Why must you always lie to me?" Ukitake complained, squirming experimentally. The bonds were immovable. She really had been practicing…

"Because otherwise you moan, whinge, wriggle, attempt to escape and try to shout for Kaien to bring you your zanpaku-to, in that order," she replied matter-of-factly.

"But Retsu-" He started, before realising that he was just living up to her expectations. "I've been doing much better lately and please don't stick that needle into me I really don't like them…"

"What's that? I think there's a draught. Must get the windows checked out," Retsu remarked to herself, before sticking the needle into his arm. Ukitake made a rather girly high-pitched noise that he decided instantly had never happened.

"Ow! It hurts!" He protested.

"No, it really doesn't. Not as much as you think it does, anyway," Retsu replied, pulling the needle out and sealing the pinprick wound with a quick kidou.

"…Can I get up now?" He asked hesitantly.

"I'll think about it," Retsu replied. Ukitake's face fell. Not only were there no sweets, he had been tied to a bed indefinitely and been abused by a medic… If this ever got out he would never hear the end of it…

"Would you like a lollipop for being a good boy?" Retsu offered patronisingly.

"Yes please," Ukitake replied, his face lighting up at the mention of something sugary. Retsu rolled her eyes and clicked her fingers, the bindings unwinding. Ukitake sped over to her and was disappointed to find her lollipopless. "You lied again," he accused.

"My infirmary, my rules," she repeated with a smile. Ukitake glared.

"I know the truth! You're not so innocent!" He accused. Retsu rolled her eyes and gave him a lollipop, which he unwrapped with relish and jammed into his mouth. "Both you and Shunsui are not in my good books," he accused around the lolly. "You're in this together!"

"Of course we are," Retsu replied. "We both want you to get better. As soon as possible." Ukitake sighed.

"I doubt that'll happen any time soon," he mumbled, the effect of his general emoness ruined by the orange-striped lolly stick.

"Of course it will," Retsu disagreed. "You just need to accept my help and stop breaking my buildings."

"I broke _one_ window!" He protested. "…And I fixed it later."

"Only because I made you."

"It was out of the kindness of my heart!" Ukitake disagreed. "…And just where did you get that nasty wooden device anyway?"

"General Yamamoto was kind enough to loan it to me," Retsu replied absently. "Now since you've only broken three rules this time and look unbearably cute with that lolly stick in your mouth, I'm going to let you off this time. But I want you to take this medicine, _willingly_, I don't want to have to dose your food again, got it?"

"Yes Retsu," Ukitake replied in a hen-pecked tone, taking the medicine bottle despondently and turning to go, taking half a step before the sentence was processed in his mind. "And I do _not_ look cute!" He protested. Retsu smiled at him.

"I think you'll find you do," she replied, holding up a mirror. Ukitake removed the lolly from his mouth sulkily, hesitated for two seconds, then replaced it. She laughed slightly and put the mirror down.

"Take care of yourself, Joushirou," she told him, serious now. "Don't make it any worse. I _will_ find a cure for it, I promise."

"Don't worry about me, Retsu," Ukitake told her. "I've lasted this long, haven't I?" She sighed.

"Yes, but with the way you abuse yourself I'm surprised you have any lungs left," she replied. "I mean it, you take care of yourself or I'll have to do something drastic to keep you in check."

"Like what?" Ukitake teased. She pretended to think about it.

"Well, I've got two options," she decided. "I could either tie you to your office chair and shift all of Division 8's paperwork to yours, or…" She smirked deviously. "I could find you a wife." Ukitake huffed – not as impressive an action as he'd hoped due to the ever-present lolly stick.

"I'd rather you didn't do either," he replied huffily. "Besides, I've… Loved someone for quite a while now." Retsu frowned.

"And who would that be?" She demanded. Ukitake laughed – only shortly, however, he didn't want to lose the lollipop or start coughing. The lollipop was worth more than his life.

"I'd be breaking an infirmary rule if I replied to that," he replied. She raised an eyebrow.

"What, rule 1?" She asked pointedly.

"Nope," Ukitake replied. "Rule 5." Retsu frowned.

"No assaulting your medic?" She asked, and Ukitake walked over to her and took her hand.

"I'm sure people would get the wrong idea if they walked in," he replied. "I think you're owed a _lot _of payback for your various devious methods of trying to make me better."

"…And how do you intend to pay me back?" Retsu managed, maintaining her composure masterfully. Ukitake grinned.

"I can think of lots of ways," he replied. "For example, I could distract you from your oh-so-important work with a romantic candlelit dinner. Or I could inconvenience people by striking up a relationship with you that could lead to marriage, and therefore cause confusion over which captain Ukitake they were talking to." He smiled happily at her. "But if you help me come up with a way to steal Shunsui's sake for betraying me, I might let you off." Retsu forcefully removed the partly-sucked lollipop from his mouth.

"If you don't shut up and start breaking some rules soon, I'm going to borrow that paddle from General Yamamoto again," she threatened. Ukitake laughed and kissed her.

* * *

**A/N - **I'm sure a _lot_ of rulebreaking went on shortly after. I leave it to your imaginations.


End file.
